“Weeeeeeeeee did it!”

Right now my hubby and I are feeling such success and going “We did it!”

We have finished moving out of the old place! Everything is out. Everything is as clean as it can be. We left Friday night feeling so relieved and less stressed. We alternated between “It’s done” and “We did it!” the whole way home. I’m starting to realize how much that was taking up space in my brain and causing stress.

Yesterday I was able to sleep in, get my own groceries, go grocery shopping with the hubby, and get some serious work done going through my crafting/cosplay creation area. I’ve been meaning to go through so much of that for years, but it wasn’t quite all in one place. Now I have space in my room to put it all in one place. That also made it clear how much I had. I went through drawers and packed stuff. I threw a bunch of stuff out. I organized supplies and labeled drawers. I feel so much better about that space now, even though it is still a mess.

Today I sat down and got everything set for my classes this week. I haven’t done that yet this semester. I’m usually recovering from working on moving and trying to get things caught up. It feels so good to have everything ready for the week. Now I can work on getting ahead for prep, keep unpacking and cleaning up, and get back to the dissertation.

This is such a nice feeling.

Steady improvement

This past week I worked harder to get my diet back under control and doing me good. It’s not easy as I’ve run out of my cold tea options. It’s easier to just go out and pour yourself a 20 glass of cold green tea than it is to brew up a cup, wait for it to cool, and remember to drink it before it gets too cool.

I’ve been eating a lot less carbs, especially bread and crackers, and it is helping. Along with the reduction of candy, of course. I’ve got eczema and it tends to flare up when I’m stressed or I’m going in too hard on the candy and processed carbs. It was getting really bad there, until I pulled back hard on those two foods. It’s definitely clearing up now, which is a relief.

I also realized a substitution I needed to make. At one point, I can’t remember why, I had switched from having one can of Pepsi with real sugar a day to a can of Canady Dry Bold. Yes, they’re both pop, but the Canada Dry uses HFCS while that Pepsi uses cane sugar. Also, it’s just the 12 oz a day. I switched back and I’ve been feeling better. I think the little boost of caffeine is helping, along with the little sugar bump. I have it with dinner so it’s got food to fight with to get processed.

I’ve been sticking to my salmon at lunch and getting a salad in sometime during the day, which is helping. Getting those healthy fats from the salmon and the goodies from the salad are definitely helping. I’ve also been working on drinking at least a glass of straight water a day among the tea and other drinks.

I think I’m recovering from what I was doing last month. It helps that I’m also trying to take a more Dudeist approach to life and not stressing over what I cannot control. That partially means following whatever research trail my mind wants to follow that day. What can I say, working a little on a bunch of different projects helps. As I type this, I’m looking at the growing stack of notes that I need to type up in their respective projects…

Abide

Feeling better

This time last week I was around 7 hours into my drive back home from my conference. This time last week the stress was lifting and I was starting to realize how badly I had been treating myself since early September.

I used this week to work on getting back on track, both mentally and physically. I realized I had been simply snacking on whatever sounded good on top of my lunch and dinner. I was falling back on that “you have to clean your plate!” way of thinking that was drummed into me as a kid. I made better grocery choices for the week. I highly restricted my sugar intake. I was mindful of what I was eating and drinking, reminding myself it is okay to feel hungry close to dinner time. You’re supposed to be hungry before dinner!

Today, I drove the recycling out to the recycling dumpster and stopped at Aldi for some more lettuce for the week. I knew I needed something for lunch, but nothing at home was appealing. I wanted a nice salad, but I needed more than just veggies for it. I wanted meat. I didn’t have meat for a salad. I started to think about the fast food options and nothing appealed. Until I remembered that a veggie bowl from Chipotle would be a great lunch option. It was perfect. Lots of veggies, rice, guac, some dairy. It hit the spot!

It also made me realize how much better my thinking had become over this past week. I let myself have some room on Friday and wasn’t so balanced. But you need to know when to have those moments to satisfy some parts so you can stay on track the way you want for the rest of the time.

I’ve also been better about getting a little bit done on a variety of work, including the dissertation, every day. Every little step helps. I just hope I get a job soon. The right job would make so many aspects of my life so much better. I just have to be patient and keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll get there eventually and do what I need to in the meantime to fill in the gaps.

Stopping to take a breath and get your bearings is a good thing. As long as you treat it as that and move forward once you know what’s going on.

The Green Geek Returns!

For those of you who don’t know, my whole blogging thing started out with “The Green Geek.” I was inspired by the blog of Bonzai Aphrodite to share my own experiences trying to live a healthier lifestyle. At some point, I felt like I was just repeating what she was saying and didn’t feel like my blog was really that original. I tend to get in my head.

When I started this blog, most of those posts went in under “The Life,” which is where this post will end up as well. But recently I have been extremely stressed due to lack of employment and the economic stress that accompanies it, the stress of trying to find a job on an academic job market that is very limited right now and the stress of trying to frame myself for a number of different positions, and the stress of getting a presentation done for a regional professional conference that I enjoy going to. It has been stressful!

On my drive home from the conference, I had a lot of time to think. I also had the stress of the conference gone, on top of having a great presentation and discussion afterward. I stopped to think about my eating habits lately. That made me realize why my fairly new jeans were not fitting as nicely as they should have been. That made me rethink my relationship with food, again, and how I could improve it.

This is far from the first time I’ve had this moment. But I’m human. It happens. I simply got to the point in the cycle where I needed to reevaluate things and start a new approach again. Which started with my grocery shopping today. After picking up some delicious salmon from my usual grocery store, I went over to Aldi, which really should be my regular store.

Our Aldi just got an overhaul/update and I can’t wait to go back when it’s quieter so I can linger and enjoy the new layout. It looks amazing. I picked up a pack of artisanal lettuces, mini cucumbers, and grape tomatoes so I could make myself salads again. When I stopped by Kroger for a few things, I also grabbed a head of red lettuce to make sure I had enough bulk to have salad all week long. I just chopped it up and ran it through the spinner. Doesn’t it look delicious?! Now I just need to grab a couple of handfuls, chop up some tomatoes and cucumber, and I have a salad!

I’m hoping to get myself together so I can make some green goddess dressing soon, instead of relying on what is on the grocery store shelf. It sounds good and I know it’s a dressing that doesn’t live on shelves well. For now, I have some Simply Dressed Avocado Ranch. It sounded the best of my options.

Today has been a good recovery day. I got a good night’s sleep last night. I’ve been hydrating today with an almond milk matcha ‘latte’ and a bottle of water from Aldi. If a bottle of water at the store is looking really good, you buy it because you clearly need the liquids!

One of my problems lately has been eating probably too much sugary stuff than I should be, so I’m trying to limit myself to just a couple of Justin’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups a day. They’re organic, delicious, and dark chocolate, so there’s less sugar than more commercial options.

I can feel that I might need at least the week to really get back to full again, but I also feel a big improvement over last week. I’m going to be sharing my journey back to healthier habits here. I know it sounds cheesy, but I like it. Also, I feel like it is something worth sharing, even if only a few people read it. It’s good to get “on paper,” so to speak!

Stepping back

For whatever reason, I was in a funk recently. During that funk, I was eating horribly. I was eating too much candy and fast food and not enough actual food. Thankfully I realized I was in a funk and decided to start making some changes.

First step, reducing my sugar intake. Right now, that means cutting out pop/soda, candy, and other mostly processed sugar items. I’m still allowing myself things like green tea from Wendy’s, my bottled raspberry tea, sugar crystals in my tea at home – which I’m trying to get back into the habit of drinking instead of the raspberry – and foods with naturally occurring sugars, like fruit. I don’t want to cut out all sugar, but I figure consuming stuff that is basically just sugar isn’t the greatest idea on many levels. I’ve been mostly successful, with only one intentional indulgence because I couldn’t get the thing off my mind.

The next step is going to be a reduction in fried foods. I’ve actually been kind of working on it, but it’s been more out of a desire to spend less money than intentionally not eating them. It also helps that Wendy’s grilled chicken has improved, or I’ve gotten used to it. Either way, I’m back to preferring that when I stop by. I had really developed a taste for Homestyle, which is not the best thing in the world to be eating more than once a week. I’m hoping that by easing myself into this, I’ll be able to build some lasting habits that will help me fight the funk.

Getting things taken care of around here will help too. But I have to remember to stay focused so I can get my school work and unpacking done. Hopefully eating better will help with that. It sure can’t hurt.

How am I going to do this?

Last Thursday night, we dropped off the keys to the first place we have been able to call home. The place we have been living in for almost 8 years. He slipped the envelope with the keys in the slot at the rental office, got back in my car filled with the last of our things, and we drove off for the last time. It was a bittersweet moment. I’m getting a little teary thinking about it. We left our first home. We headed to our new home.

Since I finished my master’s degree, we decided that we cannot keep only seeing each other on the weekends. But he’s still working in Columbus and all of my business is in BG. So we found a new place in between. It’s bigger than the last place – 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and 1000 square feet instead of 700 – and it has vaulted ceilings in the living room, dining room, and kitchen. It is on the third floor, which is taking some getting used to. Although moving helped with that. But we don’t have to worry about upstairs neighbors, and heat does rise.

It’s been nice so far. I’ve been here for over a month now as we slowly brought things up. It’s allowed me to not only be closer to school and get used to the drive, but it’s given me time to get my room/office set up and functioning so I can actually get work done at home. It felt like things had been for the past two years: on my own during the week, home on the weekends. It also allowed me to get things unpacked as I could, keeping things somewhat organized so we can find things later.

It was really useful when we moved the furniture in. We put the couch, TV stand, and TV in the living room no problem. We were able to actually sit down in the living room! We had dinner while watching Leverage. Or at least I watched as much as I could while eating and then came in here to get work done. One of those things I had to adjust to, not being alone anymore.

Honestly, that, not the stacks of boxes everywhere, is what has taken the most adjustment. Not being alone anymore. I’ve become used to being able to make what I want for dinner when I am hungry. I’ve become used to being alone and having no interruptions – aside from my phone. I’ve become used to being the only one here during the week.

It doesn’t help that there’s so much to unpack, go through, decide what’s being kept and what’s getting tossed, and finding somewhere to put things. Unfortunately in the last frenzied week of moving, the living room became the dumping ground for everything that we didn’t already have a space for. Now I make dinner and we retreat to our desks, because they’re the only place where each of us can sit down and have a flat surface to put things on.

During all of this I still have to teach class three days a week, take class three days a week, hold my office hours, drive 2.5 hours a day, and get reading done for class. Why did I think we could move while I was taking/teaching class? Why didn’t we just wait until Spring Break to get the move actually done, giving us 2 months to get everything packed and ready to go in a couple of trips in a truck? It would have allowed us to get everything properly packed and labeled. It would have allowed us to properly go through everything and only move what was being kept. It would have let me keep going to class last week.

If I can just get through the rest of this week and next week, I’ve got all of Spring Break. All of Spring Break to get caught up on my reading. All of Spring Break to get my students’ assignment graded. All of Spring Break to start going through the boxes of stuff. All of Spring Break to get things put away or thrown out. All of Spring Break to recover. But I have to get there first.

How am I going to do this?

 

Stressed the F out!

This has been an intense semester. I thought it would have gotten better by now. Nope. It’s worse.

The semester started out with the stress of not knowing if I would be continuing in the program and the stress of passing the comprehensive exam so I can graduate with my master’s degree. The exam was at the end of September, so that’s when the stress switched from preparing for it to whether I answered the questions to the graders’ satisfaction. Last month I found out that I had finally passed!

I was so stress free for a week or so. I finally passed! I’m finally graduating! I’m going to be a full-time PhD student in the Spring! But then the stress began to creep in again. I need to find a job for the Spring that will work with my class schedule and not cost me much more in gas every day. We need to find somewhere to live that’s closer to campus but not far from here so he can keep working. We need to agree on where we’re moving to and when. We need to get things packed.

Then, of course, class. That’s been the underlying stress of the semester. It’s not like it’s an overly hard class. It’s a theory class for all ACS graduate students, masters and PhD students alike. But I can barely find/make the time to study like I should. I started to wonder why, then I remember last school year.

Last year, I had a studio apartment to myself in BG that had only what I really needed. I used the dining table they provided as my desk. I brought my TV, Roku, and some DVDs and player. I had my former desk, now coffee table. I brought my Sumo beanbag chair so I’d have somewhere to sit other than my mattress and “desk chair”. I was teaching three days a week. Teaching a class I had already taught alone and had a good idea of what I was doing. I had office hours once a week. I was able to keep my schedule flexible enough that I could get my studying done for all my classes with no problem. Then I’d go home on the weekends. Both hubby and I would be off of our respective work and could spend time together.

Now, I’m home with all my stuff, all our stuff, all his stuff. I’m home with cable and all the channels that come with it. I’m home where my room is so full of my stuff, I don’t have a lot of space to have different places to sit, away from the computer, when I need it. I’m home sharing the space with my hubby 24/7. I’m home with a part-time job that lets me study while I’m there and there’s nothing else I need to be doing. But that’s the trick, there needs to be nothing else. There needs to be no residents who need my attention for whatever reason. And, of course, that drains me on a different level, so when I get home, I veg out in front of the TV and get nothing done. Then I have to time getting dinner ready so it’s done but not cold so we can eat together before he heads off to work.

I only have one real day off every week – Tuesday – because I have class on Thursdays – involving 4 total hours in the car – and I have Church on Sundays. Tuesdays are the only day in the week that I can sleep in and don’t have to worry about it affecting anything. And of course, if there’s a movie we both want to see, somehow Tuesday mornings are the only time that works for him.

Like yesterday. We went to see Thor: Ragnarok, finally, at 9:30am. I remembered at 2:30am that we were going to see the movie and checked with him when we were going. Of course 9:30am was the only time that worked for him. Which means I got up at 8:30, 6 hours after heading to bed, got dressed, and got another half-hour of sleep. I made stopping by Starbucks part of the plan so I could get a London Fog Latte so I would have a chance of making through the movie. I knew I would be that tired and I was. Thankfully it did its job. On the way out to the car I could feel it wearing off – which is why I bring tea with me to class on Thursdays. I crashed when we got home and spent a good chunk of the afternoon trying to wake up, eventually giving up and taking a nap, again.

It’s not that I don’t love my hubby – I do, so very much – or that I didn’t want to see Thor without him – I didn’t. I just wanted to get some sleep and be able to spend proper time getting my reading done for class. It’s just hard adjusting to this new dynamic. For both of us. Being married and in grad school is not easy. I’m just finding this out now. I hope that we can get things figured out over break and I can start this next part on solid footing. I’m tired of scrambling to get both feet steady.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

More wisdom from The Dude.

Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Life is but a dream.

Imagine that you’re rowing down a stream and you’re trying to figure out how to do it. Do I row with the right oar and then with the left, or is it the other way around? What does my shoulder do, what does my arm do? It’s like Joe, the centipede with a hundred legs, trying to figure out which leg to more first.
…He can’t get anywhere, just like the person in the rowboat. And while he’s hung up with all those questions, the stream is pulling him on and on. So you want to row, row, row your boat – gently. Don’t make a whole to-do it. Don’t get down on yourself because you’re not an expert rower; don’t start reading too many books in order to do it right. Just row, row, row your boat gently down the stream.
– Bernie Glassman, The Dude and the Zen Master, p. 21-22

I was worried that I was doing that and I had screwed things up again. Because when I get stressed or anxious, especially when I have to take an essay-based exam, my mind goes into overdrive and I go off in directions that don’t matter. I’m flailing trying to move my boat forward when all I’m doing is staying in place.

In the book, they continue talking about boats and streams and other bodies of water. We’re always rowing to reach a shore. But there is never going to be the shore.

But if you are going somewhere else, let me say this much: At least change the boat and the oars. Say I get to the other side, what do I do? Well, I got here thanks to this beautiful boat with the set of oars, so I’ll just hold on to them and carry them wherever I go. Isn’t that weird? Now I’ve got the burden of carrying around whatever got me here. Instead I get rid of it, and I’m free. Time passes and now I want to get to the next shore. I’ll probably need a new kind of boat and different oars, because maybe now the other shore is on the other side of the ocean and that requires a whole other mode of transportation.
– Bernie Glassman, The Dude and the Zen Master, p. 38

I was trying to get out of the one boat to the shore so I could get into the next boat. Instead I had one foot in two boats and was trying to keep both by the same shore.

Now I am fully in the next boat. It’s a different boat because I’ve got a different body of water to cross. It’s going to take longer. It’s going to require changes in life to get to that other shore. But, with my husband’s help and support, I know I can get there. And this time, I’m going to get to spend at least a little time on the shore before getting into the next boat. Even if it’s just a weekend, I’m going to enjoy that shore. But for now…

Panic and Stress

My life is a mess right now. Or at least that’s how it feels. I’ve got a job that really doesn’t pay the bills, but I’m somehow making a paycheck stretch. I still don’t know if I’m graduating in December with my master’s degree, which means I don’t know if I’m going to still be in the Ph.D. program in the spring.

I’ve been watching Better Things on Hulu. It’s a great show. I just watched episode 5 where the oldest daughter is worrying about her future at age 16. Sam points out to her that even if you just have a job and get by, you’ll be fine. You don’t have to actually have your shit together to look like you have your shit together.

I needed to hear that.

I needed to hear that just finding a job that doesn’t drain the energy out of me on every level isn’t a bad thing. I needed to hear that I can still do what I want with my life without the degree to “back it up”. I can be an independent scholar and work at Barnes and Noble. I can write about Doctor Who and Bitch Planet and Hamilton without Ph.D. after my name. As much as I do want to teach, I don’t have to teach.

I feel so much better. I have been stressed and in a fog lately. I had a great weekend at the Midwest Popular Culture Association/American Culture Association (MPCA) Conference last weekend. But somehow, after getting back, this week has been a mess. But I feel so much better. Allowing myself to think that everything will be fine no matter what. I feel so much better.

Tea Joy!

With all the problems going on in the world, I feel like adding some joy to it. Recently, I put in an order to resupply and add to my tea stock.

In there are two types of tea cookies, Irish Breakfast tea, a free filter for my water pitcher, a free sample pouch of Earl Grey Lavender – which I try to gather to delay needing to actually buy more, more Amber Sugar Crystals, and new tins!

I love Adagio’s storage tins. I love the colors. I love how they function. Until the shipment arrived, the blues – Earl Greys – were a tin higher than the others. When I decided to get the Irish Breakfast tea, I realized I needed another red tin – my Breakfast teas – but you can’t buy just one. You have to order a 3-pack. So I ordered my third set of the variety pack – red for the Irish Breakfast, green got my all-green Far Out blend, and yellow is empty because I don’t have a straight black that needs a tin. There really is a method to my madness. 😀

Then there is the wonderful Amber Sugar Crystals. I was down to this:

Now I have this, again:

There really is a simple joy in having so many delicious teas to choose from. Sometimes I just sit there and look at my teas. Also, by using my former desk/coffee table as my tea table, I have to sit calmly on the floor. It turns making tea into a conscious pause in my day. A wonderful, sometimes zen-like pause in my day. It’s been meditative at times. The other day I sat and watched tea and pieces rise and fall in the water as it brewed. I reached a meditative state for a few seconds. It was really cool.

I guess the point of this whole thing was to share some joy in these times of stress. We need to remember to take joy in the small things and take care of yourself. Between hurricanes, earthquakes, politics, and whatever is going on in your life, it’s easy to get burned out. Take time to watch a show or movie, read a book or magazine or comic or blog, listen to music, make some tea or coffee. Do something to take a break from everything. Self care is important! Do it!